You feel off, but you cannot work out why. You look back at your life and take stock. You did well at school — not amazing, but solid. You went on to cover a few bases in college or sixth form. Then came university. You picked a strong degree. You joined multiple extracurricular options. You made many friends. You travelled a little. You finished with a 2:1. It was great.
Straight out of university, you landed a graduate scheme. Within the first year, you were promoted. It was a strong start to your career. More promotions came. Then a headhunter called, and up you went again. You moved from a rental to your first home. Then you bought your first brand new car, entirely with your own money. Work was going from strength to strength.
A wedding came next. Many people attended, and it was a wonderful day. Then another car. Soon you needed a bigger house because a baby was on the way. You moved to a plusher part of town. Then another baby. Now you are a senior manager. Life could not look better — you are still young.
So why do you not feel on the inside how you look on the outside? Does the inside match the outside? If you do not truly know yourself, whose life are you living?
What Identity Work Really Is
Identity work is not indulgence. It is not about boosting your ego. It is about making the person others see be the person you truly are, whatever your circumstances. It allows you to live a fulfilled and authentic life.
Identity work is the process of consciously exploring, understanding, and embodying who you are beneath conditioning, roles, and expectations. Life constantly tries to shape us. The further we get from our true self, the more we think that disconnection is normal.
Much of this conditioning runs deep. It becomes our status quo, even if it does not align with who we truly are. You may have heard the saying that we become the five people closest to us. This can be true, but it is also a sobering thought. We are not here to become someone else.
Why We Lose Ourselves
You may have already engaged in identity work without calling it that. You might have read self-help books, taken personality tests, or done 21-day challenges. But identity work is not surface-level change and it is not something others can label for you. Your identity is not a label — it is your essence.
Nobody intentionally loses themselves. Often, identity work is about returning to our childlike selves. Not in a way that strips us of responsibility, but in how we see the world — limitless and curious. As children, we have few boundaries. We try things without fear. As adults, life events cut us loose from our anchor. We drift, sometimes far from shore.
Here are some common reasons we lose ourselves:
Societal pressures and “box ticking”
We see how others live, and we follow. There is a way to do things, and not to do them. It is herd mentality mixed with survival instinct.
Major life changes
Career shifts, parenthood, divorce, or health challenges can shape who we believe we are. Often, these events are outside our control. People mean well when they support us in a victim mindset, but this can hold us back.
Trauma or chronic stress
These experiences narrow our vision until we are almost blindfolded. The brain defaults to survival mode, repeating only what has worked before.
Over-adapting to please others
People-pleasing can lead to silencing our true selves so we do not “rock the boat.”
None of these are necessarily your fault, but staying in them too long leads to burnout, emptiness, resentment, or anger.
The Benefits of Identity Work
Emotional clarity
You see what truly matters, separating distractions from truth. You stop letting one negative event colour your entire outlook.
Greater confidence and self-trust
When decisions feel aligned, they bring a warm certainty. Identity work helps you make more of these decisions, building deep self-trust.
Healthier boundaries and relationships
You respect yourself more and set clearer boundaries. This improves your relationships without making you selfish — you simply decide where you sit on your own priority list.
Courage to change course in life
Life can convince us we cannot make bold changes. Identity work helps us break those self-imposed limits.
Spiritual alignment and a deeper sense of purpose
For some, purpose is already inside. For others, it is forming. Identity work can transform you from carbon into a clear diamond, shaped by pressure but shining with truth.
A Story of Transformation
A client once came to me tired and worn down. Her long-time job no longer gave her joy. It affected her mood, energy, and relationships. Through our work together, she found clarity, confidence, and courage. Her vision for her future shifted completely. It was not an overnight change, but she now had a plan she believed in.
How to Start Your Own Identity Work
When I work with clients, I use guided relaxation to access stored memories and beliefs. This allows us to release what no longer belongs.
You can start your own process by turning down the noise and listening deeply.
Pause — Create a safe space free from distractions. Make time for this as you would for exercise.
Reconnect — Sit or lie in stillness. Use breathing techniques such as box breathing. Do it in nature if possible.
Unhook — Put down your phone. Limit social media. Journal your thoughts.
Explore — Notice your conditioning and inherited beliefs. Ask yourself if you truly believe them.
Vision — Imagine your fully aligned life. Get a new perspective — go for a walk, climb a hill, and see what comes up.
A One-Week Practice
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Pick a place in nature that requires a walk.
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Before you leave, write down the things you wish you could let go.
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As you walk, think about why you hold onto them.
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At your destination, write down what life would look like without limits.
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Keep this by your bed. Read it morning and night for a week.
Final Thoughts
This practice can shift something within you, but identity work is not a one-time fix. It is a relationship you build with yourself. It requires rhythm and a sense of play.
No matter where you are in life, do not waste time living someone else’s version of it. You do not want to wake up one day so far offshore that you give up before trying to return.
This is what I do for myself and for others. If this resonates, reach out for a free conversation to see if identity work is right for you.
Thanks for reading, and good luck with your journey. If you need me, you will find me in the grove.